sifkawaiibishi

10:55 pm: V-day back home
Hmm...another one alone?
For all the disdain you could have for one day, for all the contempt...no one wants to be alone on it. Really.
I guess I'm no different to anyone else.

Also back home after a fortnight away. I miss being able to get a late night supper whenever in Asia. I miss a lot of things this unholy land hasn't got.
Life here is far from decadence.

10:18 pm: bored
Feels like a good time to blog...
About what? I have no idea.
I could rant about more problems and issues with girls, or I could delve deeper into my own psyche and question the very fabric of my nature. Weed out the problem I have with affection, emotion and other social issues.

Or I could talk about the problems of the world, the factors that annoy me and things I can't change. I could debate the minor things that irritate me and rant about problems that are truly menial.

I could share with the blog community my feelings of joy I develop for certain things, activities and people. The immense swelling of love I feel churning like vortex in an ocean of red wine, swallowing me whole and spitting me out, glowing and beaming, enlightened and in a state of bliss.

Or I could just shut up and listen to the music.

06:57 pm: ergh...motivation
Okay. So I'm taking a break from whatever little work/study I was doing. I've been contemplating the notion that I may be kicked out of home if I fail an unknown amount of units as set by my folks...This might concern me if it didn't seem like such a liberating thought. It might just be my chance to runaway from this god-forsaken town, who knows.

Went out drinking with Nick and his friend Jeremy...I can't help but fear the possibility that I'll be forsaken for everyone if I fall behind in life any further, but that just makes me want to curl up into a ball and stay in this period of time in my life forever.
If only I could alter time. It's probably better I change myself with the times.

I'm off to play piano and relive some melodic memories.

04:35 pm: lessons learned tonight
1. Don't chase dreams
2. Don't chase dream girls
3. Fuck romance
4. Fuck hope
5. Fuck the possibility of having a happy ending or any likeliness of getting what you want
6. Lower your expectations and you won't want to kill yourself or others
7. If you think something good will come from something, you're horribly mistaken
8. If you think something bad will come from something, you're most likely to be right
In fact misfortune is what makes the world go round.
9. If things ever seem to be going your way, fucking run the other way before it blows up in your face and all goes to hell.
10. Writing about misfortune helps...it helps turn rage and sadness into bitter thoughts and apathy...and as memories creep back, their smokey tendrils fill my head and flood my system. Suffocating my heart and lungs, I'm choking on the past. Maybe because I'm afraid of the future. Fearing to repeat the same mistakes and remain unchanged? Or fearing the change required to move on, leaving behind the past and old qualities...

'Bulletproof...I wish I was'

08:21 pm: walking in circles
Let's get reflective.
Shit doesn't change for me...it's as simple as that....for the past 4 years I've been stuck doing the same thing.
Same studying thing. Same work. Same people. Same places. Same deal being jerked around by girls.
And I'm quite sick of it. I want to run away from it to a new place. A far off, distant country or city. Living a nomadic life.

I have an idealistic life of living humbly in Paris, eating crepes, drinking lovely red wine, smoking velvet French tailored cigarettes and working an artistic job of creativity. A creativity fueled by my muse, a darling French girl with a wicked smile and killer eyes. A laugh like the trumpets of angels and a voice so sweet, it would end world wars with a whisper.

I'd work away the day at my job, meet my sweetheart for lunch in cafes and dine together at the little crepe stall again run by that nice funny Spanish man in the Latin quarter. We'd grab ice cream from the oldest ice creamery in Paris near Notre Dame before a bottle of red and drink and dance in the streets, on our merry way to the Showcase club, under the Champs Elysées' Alexandre III bridge or maybe tonight we'll try a cozy jazz club.

But thats just an idealistic life. A dream. Something that's not real and has little to no possibility of happening.
Fuck.

09:13 pm: Cherry Poppin'
OK....so I've been fairly against having one of these journal blog things of doom...but I feel retarded not knowing what I'm missing out on and I've always had a niche expressing myself in writing.

I'll pretend you're an extension of any other piece of text I have ever poured myself into, allowed to cool, and then peer at...reflecting upon what I've said, and how I felt. It's better than bottling it apparently.

So what's there to say?

Well........I suck at uni....I'm not good at the whole sitting down and trying to be good thing...I struggle with motivating myself and applying myself. I need to work on this...as I've been telling myself for the past 5 years.

Matters of the heart? I'm not going to bother with too many details of that today, but I'll refresh my own mind. I'm always playing second fiddle...I'm Duckie, chasing Andie with no chance against Blane. Fuck being just friends. I'll make her see one day.

Well this shit turned into a self centered rant rather quickly so I'll end it here.